Ex Has Really Changed? This response serves a bilateral purpose. On the one hand, if your ex has really changed , you may decide to give him a “new opportunity” (because it is likely that you have already given him many others before). On the other hand, if the answer is negative and is only showing a change costume, you want to remove the doubt to avoid being deceived (a) and eliminate all those illusions with which little by little has been sweetening your ears.
Because, being honest, this topic can be quite confusing. On the one hand, you want to believe that it has changed but on the other, your background tells you that it has not. In this case I want to warn you the following: If you are going to read this article with the purpose of ignoring my suggestions, it is better to resume your reading in another occasion. It is unwise to fill up with information so as not to put it into practice. It is better to return at another time when you are totally determined to make real changes in your life.
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On the internet there is a popular saying that has been shared a lot and to which I give part of the reason: “A person changes for three reasons: He learned too much. Suffered enough. He got tired of the same thing. ” But do not rush so quickly to make the decision to return with your ex-partner. Let’s analyze the exceptions.
“When he learned too much”. To find out if your ex has really changed , let’s find out what kind of learning we are talking about if a person has changed. The vast majority of people believe that by the fact of having received a couple of good advice from their friends and family, things will change. They are convinced that their words already echoed in them so they run to where you are and they say to you: ” I understood that I totally screwed up when I was with you and you do not know how much I regret for all the bad things that I did to you. I swear, my love, that this time I have changed . ” This is the way to know about Ex Has Really Changed.
It is not enough for your ex to realize his personal mistakes to change. Errors only make you see things differently. They indicate that for the next one you have to act and proceed in another way. Not necessarily changing as a person, but as a strategy. Therefore, if he tells you that he has changed because he has learned from his mistakes, do not get your hopes up so quickly.
The second reason (when you suffered too much) to know if your former partner changed is more true, BUT let’s analyze WHY this suffering occurred. There are those who are truly sorry for what they did and definitely realizing that they caused you emotional damage has afflicted them so much that your pain has been their pain. But there are those who suffer not because of your pain, but because of the abstinence of being away from you (regardless of whether it hurts or not). And before you try to sing victory claiming that your ex can not live without you, reflect the following: Your ex suffers because he needs you, but not necessarily because he loves you. (At this point, being a reader of mine, you must already understand that love and need are not the same).
Think well what I just told you. Maybe you have the morbid satisfaction of knowing that he suffered without you, but at the same time, is that really what you want? That someone is needing you more and more and, possibly, creates strong bonds of dependence to the point that your relationship is totally unbalanced? Do you want to see how after the reconciliation your ex is transformed by his jealousy, he tries to manipulate you emotionally and, indirectly, he will always try to take revenge for the time you made him go without you? This is the another way to know about your Ex Has Really Changed.
On the other side of the coin you may have suffered for your absence and change for the better. But it has come back mainly because of a selfish desire not to feel pain, so to make sure that your relationship goes better, the condition that you must put is that both of you take a couple therapy, even though the problems that separated them seem not to be very important . If he does not accept it, then where is the change that he professes to have experienced?
Now, a sub-variant of the case is that you accept couples therapy knowing previously that it is the only way to access you for your egoistic, sexual or monetary purpose; but not to improve the relationship. It is crucial not to get excited immediately when you think that you have changed and that you are sorry for accepting your condition. It is better that, in spite of your optimism in front of your change, keep some emotional distance to be able to analyze your little convincing behaviors regarding your commitment in the improvement of the relationship. With a cool head you can deduce subtle signals in your body and facial language by starting to see things that do not fit, that seem not to be from a sincere person.
There is an internal enemy with which you will also have to fight at the moment of how to know if your ex has really changed and is that we all have a Confirmatory Bias. That means that you see what you previously want to see. When you want to believe that your ex has changed, you will look for all kinds of details and attitudes that confirm that it has indeed changed despite having plenty of points against it. The same happens the other way around. When your ex has really changed but you, under no circumstances do you want to believe that it has changed because you already have a very bad generalization of the male gender or that person in general. Although this attitude seems to be a bit more sensible than the first, it is not the most just. And not only are you depriving him of giving a good opportunity to someone who deserves it, but you also deprive yourself of that opportunity. This is also another way to know Ex Has Really Changed.
Third reason to know if your former partner has really changed : “When he got tired of the same thing”. Maybe in this case, your ex did a good time left you because he left with another person or went to enjoy his bachelorhood because he did not look so young committing seriously in a relationship with you. Now he has returned as the prodigal son (he got tired of the other one or the crazy life he was leading) and tells you that he wants to continue with you. Here again you have to analyze the real reason why you want to return.
Did he really get tired of looking for new prey week after week to finally have little or no success? In any case, he is seeing you as his last minute resource and both you and I know that you are not for bullshit of this type. Here your main enemy is the ” Resignation of Scarcity”(Or your” Worst is nothing “), that means that not only your ex resigns to return with you, but you too. To prevent this, you have to have your own social life, otherwise you will fall into the mistaken belief that love is an experience that is lived once in life (and only with your ex). Or is it that he actually took a break, all that time he was without you, he enjoyed a healthy and moderate singleness, he wanted to learn from himself, to know himself much better, etc. and now that he knows everything, he knows he wants to continue with you? In this case, it is convenient to consider the situation well since it may be a much better relationship than before. Here your main enemy is resentment . Because yes even though your ex has really changed, and at all times when there are problems you will remember your mistakes as a way to demand much more work in the relationship, you may feel overwhelmed by all that and wonder if you really did well to return with you.
Did he leave with the other only to do with her things that he could not do with you? In this case, the intention to return with you does not come from an honest person (person you just want to avoid in your intimate life). Here also it is convenient to remember that in spite of all this, you cannot avoid returning with your ex because you think you love him, reflect well if in reality it is your “worst is nothing” (Resignation of Scarcity). Be honest with what you really feel. Or was it that he let himself be carried away by the emotion of the first months of falling in love, realized that the other person was very superficial and that what he had with you was a serious and mature relationship? In this case, you can return with the firm idea that you are the person with whom you really want to commit yourself seriously. Here, as in the previous paragraph, your main enemy is rancor and resentment. Strive totally to eliminate them if you want to restart the relationship with a better foot.
It is important to emphasize that in the two previous paragraphs, the ex or the former will always try to cover up the first reason making you believe that it is for the second. He will never tell you: “With the other I enjoyed things that I could not do with you”, instead he will say: “I realized that for me you are the only one”. He will never tell you: “I have been without success for 6 months with women and you are my last hope”, instead he will say: “During all this time I discovered that I really love you”.
I reiterate: You have to avoid analyzing under the crystal of the Confirmatory Bias. It is best to get rid of all kinds of preconceived ideas about your ex in order to deduce if it has really changed or not. In any case it would be convenient to ask for the opinion of someone who does not have any kind of relationship or link with your ex. It is not advisable that you ask your friends because either your ex may fall so badly that the first thing they will recommend based on what they have always wanted to tell you or they may be on your side and encourage you to make the wrong decision. This is one of the best way to know about Ex Has Really Changed.
I recommend you to be very critical at the moment of how to know if your ex has really changed. From now on I tell you that people very rarely change. From my personal experience, dealing with many cases of this type in the last 4 years, only 10% of the ex’s have really changed. 60% change but many years later (I repeat: MANY YEARS LATER). And the remaining 30% will never do it.